It is not always easy…but HE is there

I have been trying to get out of the yard here each evening.  Taking a walk with the boys and Lori and just getting away.  Getting out of the thick of it to clear my mind some.  It is hard to live above the clinic, beside the RC and have others living with you in your own house.   There is never a moment to yourself, never a time that someone else cannot hear you or see you or know what is going on in your life.  Try having to have a discussion with you spouse in a whisper so no one will  know what is going on in your life.  Now try it 24/7 for over a year with no break.   God did not sign me up for a 5 day 9 to 5 job.  So back to walking…we headed out and there was already a line of people seated in front  of the clinic gate.  It was around 4:30 in the afternoon.  Those waiting planned to sleep there all night so that they could pass through the clinic early in the morning.  As soon as we headed out a man came up to Lori and said his child was very sick.  We asked him to wait until we returned and we would  talk to him.  He waited and when we came back he showed us his daughter, Kendina.  She was struggling to breath and had a 103.8 fever.   Her little body, that was only 10 days old, was so stiff and hard.   We took her in right away and began to look at her. 

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We tried to understand why a baby this small could be this sick.  We began to talk with the father.  He and the mother of his daughter had another baby girl a few years ago.  She lived a few weeks and died of fever and diar.  They mother was very sad that her first child had died.  When she became pregnant with Kendina she was excited but scared.  Imagine the emotions within her.  She went through her pregnancy and all went well.  She delivered her baby girl without many problems. You know,  just like most of us,  in the dark with a small oil lamp burning, on the dirt floor.  She was fine for a few days and then began to get a fever.  The mother told the dad that she wanted nothing to do with her.  She was going to die just like the first one.  She refused to breastfeed her and all she could do was cry and scream and mourn for her second daughter.   The father did not know what to do.  He gave her water with sugar in it.  Then he made some porage for her to eat.  Her little body was so hot with fever and she was so stiff.  The dad traveled several hours by foot to walk to the clinic.  He just could not deal with both problems at once.  His child that was dying and his wife that is already mourning and going crazy.  He was so very tired.  It was very evident that he cared and loved his daughter so much. 

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While he was talking I pressed my head against the wall.  Asking myself why I had just sat there and listened to that. It is easier, for me, for some reason, to not know the stories behind the sick kids.  Just to deal with the child and the sickness they have is enough.   Why have we been chosen to do this?  Why can’t we go on vacations, go to ball games, go to movies, read books, play games and have a somewhat normal life.  Why can’t my concerns be why the sheets are not just the color that I wanted, or that the walmart ran out of grapes or something simple like that.  Why does so much of it  have to life and death and sorrow and heartache.   Why can I never have a minute to even mourn the loss of these children?  I keep asking why and keep going forward as I do each day.  But it does not get easier.  I love what I do but need a break at times.  But to take a break, like I really need a break, I would have to leave one of my kids and my husband to travel to another place that they could go to.    So it would not really be a break but a separation of our family ..again.  No easy solutions.  But the great thing is that I trust God, I believe that He is in control and He and only He can help me through these times.  He calls us all to different things, different callings, different lives, and different places to minister to people. 

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Kendina died on Wednesday night.  Just the day before the military doctor came.  I was able to hold her when she took her last breaths before she went into the loving arms of Jesus.  I am glad that I was able to do that for her.  I am glad that God called me here.  I was able to tell the father about the death of his second daughter on Friday.  It was sad.  The only thing he said was thank you and God did His work.  

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Psalm 63:3-5 (The Message)

 2-4 So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
      drinking in your strength and glory.
   In your generous love I am really living at last!
      My lips brim praises like fountains.
   I bless you every time I take a breath;
      My arms wave like banners of praise to you.

 5-8 I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy;(rice and beans)
      I smack my lips. It’s time to shout praises!
   If I’m sleepless at midnight,
      I spend the hours in grateful reflection.
   Because you’ve always stood up for me,
      I’m free to run and play.
   I hold on to you for dear life,
      and you hold me steady as a post

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10 Responses to It is not always easy…but HE is there

  1. Sherri Healy says:

    Lifting you up in prayer!

  2. Kathy says:

    How heart broken that mother must be to lose her second child. I cannot imagine the grief.

  3. Kelli says:

    I appreciate your honesty. What a heart-wrenching story for the family that lost their baby. Still, I’m more touched by your story. You have given so much, have been so generous and selfless. What a high calling God has placed in your life and what sacrifice you give in order to follow it. And I must tell you that despite this tragedy, you are such a light in a dark place, where death and sorrow and poverty abound. May God continue to fill your cup, provide endurance, offer strength, surround you with clarity, and maybe — for miracle purposes — provide thicker walls. 🙂 Your faithfulness is inspiring.
    Kelli

  4. Bekki says:

    Licia – you have accepted a work that is truly amazing. I hope that soon your family will be able to travel and you can get the break you need. I am so glad you extended your love to little Kendina as she died. She’ll kiss you in Heaven. I wish I could be there to hug you.

  5. Missy Wood says:

    I honestly don’t know why God calls us to do one thing and not another. Why he calls some to live comfortably and give and others to serve. I don’t know. I do know that I am so glad you accepted that call. I am so glad that those precious people have someone that loves them. Someone that can tell them about our Savior. I wish your living arrangements were better so that maybe you could have more alone time with your husband, because I am sure that can wear on all of you. I wish that a team would come and build you a small prayer room to go and mourn. Even if it was no bigger than a closet. At least you could go cry, mourn for a moment. I can’t imagine what holding in all of those emotions would be like. I am praying for you. I really am. You are a strong woman and I am sure that God knew that only a certain kind of woman could do what you do. I am sure that your mom is so proud. I think you should be proud of yourself too. Please know that I will be praying for you. love from Mexico, Missy

  6. Kristy says:

    I am praying for you Licia, I just cant even imagine how you feel.I pray for you every day. You must be very special in the Lords eyes. That he has put you there. May you receive His Love and strength, as many people are lifting you up in prayer. You are so loved. I always think how much i would love to do you what you and Lori do. Honestly I don’t know if I could handle the down side of it. You are a courageous woman.I can’t even imagine the crown you will have to lay at your Savior’s feet. God Bess You!

    Kristy

  7. dawnz says:

    All the tears and the heartbreak will all make sense when you hear those blessed words, “Well done good and faithful servant. Well done”.

    Love you guys so much.

    dawn

  8. Jensboys says:

    I am speechless. Sometimes it really is too much to bear. Sending prayers from Canada your way.

  9. Kristie says:

    Licia,
    I’ve been busy with new job and getting ready to move to new house where I’m having to pick up colors of everything. So busy that I’ve neglected to visit your blog in a long while. Coming here reminds me to pray and convicts me to remember what is really important in this life, the one I’m so privileged to have.
    Unimaginable sacrifice. How great your reward will be.
    You sacrifice so much and I do so little. May God work in us both–to give you the strength, endurance and peace you need to continue the carry His love and service to so many in desperate need — and to convict my heart to care and be moved to action, while remembering to pray for those hurting and those sacrificing to help the hurting.
    I am humbled,
    Kristie

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